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1989 Interview by Bryan Daniels of Invincible Force Zine

INTRO: Let me explain a bit about the situation at hand. You probably already know that SPLATTERREAH plays ultra-grind disorder, blah, blah, so I won't bore you with stupid descriptions of their music. But I will say that this band, especially Paul Ramirez and Sal Sicko are some of the weirdest most annoying fuckers I've ever dealt with! Paul "Wetback" Ramirez has called me when I've been asleep at 1:00 at night, and believe, that's the last thing I want to do at that time! They would like you to believe that they are the "ultimate" sickos, when in fact they're a bunch of spineless turds, sissies, no better make that wuss's!!! Who have nothing better to do than claim everyone is a wimp and call people overseas and mow old ladies yards!! Besides that they're alright. Oooohhh scary!!! They have a demo called "Shit Speed" and hopefully an LP called "Freaks, Faggots, and Wetbacks" (ha, ha, just kidding!) Here's an interview with Paul Ramirez and Sicko Sal. 

Q: SO WHEN DID YOU PSYCHOS DECIDE TO START THIS BAND?
Paul: "Well, Ray and I used to fuck those blow up sex dolls. We had a doll named Trixie, and we used to double team her all the time. One day I put some vaseline in her ass and I had an amazing orgasm! During that orgasm I had a vision of 4 worthless pieces of shit, assholes playing noise! I said fuck it! So we formed from a pile of splattered excrement! Nothing special though!"
Sal: " Well, one day we were digging through the trash cans behind Stab-N-Go and we found that Pablo had a set of buckets and trash can lids, Zombie Ray had a ukulele, Rubenstein had a cello and I had diarrhea. Die Christians, Bryan's a wetback."

Q: HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET DIARREAH AND WOULD YOU SAY IT'S CHRONICAL?
Paul: "Yes, it's chronical ! I can't get enough of it! I love the feel of liquefied excrement slowly gorging down my legs !"
Sal: "I don't get it..."

Q: WHY IS YOUR FIRST DEMO SO SLOW? 
Paul: " See, I didn't wack off before I played ! I usually have total "spazzattacks" on my drums. The only way to do that is when I jack off in front of my bathroom mirror ! The only other way I can get "spazzattacks" is when I sniff old lady's sweaty bicycle seats after a nice , long, hot ride ! Oh yeah ! I'm getting the gitters !"
Sal: "Because we were on urine and heroin when we did it. And also cause we were listening to Candlemasterbaters that day."

Q: COULD YOU EXPLAIN TO EVERYONE WHO MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN ABOUT MARK KILROY? 
Paul: "Well, once upon a time , there was a white boy named Mark Kilroy. He went to Mexico to fuck around. Anyway, he was kidnapped by some wetbacks and taken to a ranch ! There they hacked him in the back of the head with a machete, his legs were amputated (by chainsaw !), he was stripped of his guts and he had his heart ripped out of his chest ! Along with about 12 other people ! The only thing that was wrong was, not enough wetbacks died ! But they lived happily ever after !"
Sal: "He was this stupid school kid we slashed to crumbs and spit on his face. We drove to Matamoros where Ruben's wife Sara Aldrete lives and put the body 6 feet under her rose garden of evil."

Q: HAVE YOU WATCHED THE PATTY DUKE SHOW LATELY?
Paul: Oh man i'm getting a boner ! The back of that bitch's head gives me a "rockhardon" a cat couldn't scratch !"
Sal: "The whatty puke who? I? I don't get it."

Q: WHAT'S YOUR OPINION OF SEX WITH FURNITURE?
Paul: "It sux ! No reaction except squeaky springs ! Try raping the dogs that tear up your trash bags ! I do ! I put dog food on my cock and let them lick it off ! Almost like a real blow job ! It rulez !"
Sal: I have my own couch with mystery sex holes that I rent to the neighborhood school kids."

Q: DO YOU THINK THAT IF YOU JERK OFF MORE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO PLAY FASTER? 
Paul: " Hey the more the faster ! See I use my dad's rawhide, non slip grip work gloves ! Then I put motor oil and shampoo on my dick for lubrication. Then I toss off as quick ass possible ! What ever you do, don't lose you grip ! Fuckin' painful mistake !" 
Sal: "I don't get it !"

Q: IS YOUR BATHROOM A HOLY PLACE?
Paul: " Yes ! It's godly ! I can sit and watch my shit sink to the bottom of my toilet without interruptions ! I can wack off in front of my mirror and come where ever I want ! Total freedom ! It rulez !"
Sal: " It the prettiest thing in the world with flower curtains and pink wallpaper and 1000 rotting cadavers and parts all over the house."

Q: WHAT INGREDIENTS DO YOU PUT IN YOUR SPECIAL MILK SHAKES?
Paul: " Some of Mark Sawickis's "Jizz" and septic bowel discharge ! "
Sal: " Penis butter, diarreah, pubic hair, dick cheese... get the ideal ? "

Q: COULD YOU TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU THINK OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL ?
Paul: " They lick sweaty horse balls ! "
Sal: " Could live without them."

Q: EXPLAIN HOW YOU CLEANED UP YOUR HOUSE AFTER GODZILLA TOOK A SHIT IN IT ? 
Paul: " I didn't ! I had to fight off 8 ft. maggots though ! "
Sal: " We had a feast on satanmas day. "

Q: IS IT TRUE THAT ALL THE MEMBERS OF SPLATTERREAH ARE ALSO IN A GLAM BAND CALLED WET T?
Paul: " No, we're in a band called "Sex Rockets and Tight Panties" ! No, seriously, Ruben and Sal are in a band called CRYPTIC HATRED along with a two other dudes (Carlos & Phillip). Ray and I are in a band that plays Elvis copies! "  
Sal: " Actually it's called Napalm Death ! "

Q: WHAT WORDS OF ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR THE GREAT KAT ?
Paul: " You stupid whore, go take a flying fuck, you maggot infested kunt ! Dumb jackass ! Ha ! You Suck ! "
Sal: " I have a Siamese, Ruben has a two regular alley cats and Paul has 3 Calicos. " 

Q: DO YOU OFTEN SHIT BRICKS ? 
Paul: " No, often I have the runz ! Big time ! But I usually wipe my ass with my index finger ! OOOH ! Just thinking about it gives me the chills ! "
Sal: " I shit a rope shaped like a noose. Sometimes I shit parking blocks. "  

 
Q: WILL YOUR NEXT DEMO HAVE KING DIAMOND VOCALS ?
Paul: " No, we're gonna have that fat ass from Grim Reaper screaming ! Also a very importtant session vocalist named Greg Martin ! He plays guitar for Dead Whores ! I mean Dead Horse ! (sorry guys !). Anyway he makes funny noises when he wacks off ! We're going to record him "live" while "workin the weasel " and use them for backup vocals, cool eh ?! "
Sal: " No, farts and James Rivera will be the new singer. " 

Q: IS GRINDCORE AN ADDICTION ?
Paul: " No, but bedwetting is ! I love waking up in a pool of urine !"
Sal: " What's Grindcore ? An over used title. We call ourselves shitspeed !!!! " 

 
Q: FOR A TYPICAL QUESTION, WHAT BANDS DO YOU LISTEN TO ?
Paul: "Holy shit ! The new TERRORIZER is fucking godly ! The ultimate fuckin band ! It's totally obliterating ! The only other bands I get into is SORE THROAT, UNSEEN TERROR (Hi Mitch !), MAYHEM (Nor.), AUTOPSY, CARCASS, and PARIDISE LOST ! Beyond that, I've never gotten into those other dick, wimp bands ! " 
Sal: " Jane's Addiction, The Church of Falwells Choir, UPS, Wham, Skid Row, Winger, etc, anything with real vocals. "

Q: DOES ANTHING SCARE YOU ?
Paul: " Yeah, jackin' off as fast as you can then you lose your grip ! Fuckin' nut buster !, And a naked picture of that fat ass bitch, Roseanne. "
Sal: " The thought that I have AIDS really scares me ! No, seriously, all this air pollution that's killing us, radiation dumps that are spreading everywhere, oil polluted water, man this sucks !

Q: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU GOT YOUR DICK CAUGHT IN A BLENDER ?
Paul: " Press liquify ! "
Sal: " I don't know ?? "

Q: HOW IS SPLATTERREAH LIVE ?
Paul: " Well we've never played live ! Just played with ourselves ! But due to the sick, perverse, deranged bastards in my band, we won't be boring ! I assure you of that ! "
Sal: " Don't know, I haven't been able to catch them live yet. "

Q: SO WHAT OTHER TEXAS BANDS DO YOU BEAT UP IN YOUR SPARE TIME ? 
Paul: " Dead Horse' Oh man ! They're fucking way cool dudes ! All of them ! Even Greg (long haired fag ! Ha !). They're a bunch of crazy dudes ! Sal and Ruben terrorize every fucking band that comes to Houston ! To name a few, INSECTICIDE, ANIALATOR, DEATH, ROTTING CORPSE, SOCIAL DECEIT and tons more ! "

Q: WHAT'S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU'VE DONE IN A GROCERY STORE ?
Paul: " Once I stuck a banana up my asshole and ran down the aisle screaming "Wet banana ! " I took a shit on the produce and I squirted sperm all over the manager ! "
Sal: " Bought their food. "

Q: DO YOU THINK YOUR FARTS COULD CAUSE AN EARTHQUAKE ? 
Paul: " No, my farts couldn't do shit ! Just lurk and terrorize ! 
Sal: " Never heard of that one before. "

Q: WHAT FORM OF TORTURE DO YOU RECOMMEND FOR ALL THE LIGHTWEIGHT SOFTCORE NON GRINDERS OUT THERE ?
Paul: " Throw them all in the pit ! Trample the shit out of the guys that skank with cigarettes in their hand, kick the shit out of fuckers that start fights ! Elbow the shit out of the headbanger kids in the neck ! And kill those that spit on you ! Die ! All you dip shit pussy fux ! " 
Sal: " Listening to Motley Crew and Winger full blast and reading Invincible Farts. "

Q: ANY LAST COMMENTS ?
Paul: " Yeah ! Buy yourself a blow up sex doll, buy the new Dead Horse LP (you guys rule !), buy the new SORE THROAT on Manic Ear Records, hello to Mark and Stevo of Impetigo, die ! Little Alex Tolman, Melinda Martinez and the few grinders in Houston, (Thanx for the support !) and send postage when writing us or I rape your dog ! And most of all thanx for the interview wetback ! We'll write you as quick as possible ! Thanx Bryan !"
Sal: " Don't write back because I hate humans and I am a perverted, deranged bastard who steals money out of the church basket to buy marijuanna. "